Goliath is back

A little over a year ago I wrote about my personal Goliath. You can read it HERE.  Well it seems to be haunting me again.  Or maybe it is more like I am allowing it to haunt me again just because someone chose to be cruel to me in such a way that is devastating to my already vulnerable psyche.  I don't know how much I should share about this situation because it has to do with my children.  Many of you already know the real truth and why things are the way they are with my children.  Others who don't know all the details tend to be very judgmental and cruel and place blame where there should be none.  

Yes, my teenage children live with their dad in Utah.  They chose to live with him after our divorce against my wishes and with my belief that it was not in their best interest to do so.  The law says they are old enough to make those choices, and they did.  Yes, I did move away from Utah with my husband's job.  Am I happy about being so far away from my kids?  No!  My heart aches for them every single day!  But there is not one single thing I can do about it.

If you read my previous post, you know why I divorced my ex-husband.  I got out of a bad situation, after 22 years, to save myself, and yet I have been punished and persecuted over and over for making that choice, by my kids and many others around me.  Yes, divorce is very hard on kids. It.Is.Terrible! I hate what it has done to my children and how it has changed our relationship with each other.  I was not the adulterer in my marriage or the one who chose a different path to walk down than the one we vowed to each other, but yet I am the bad guy, the one to blame for everything, simply because I stopped the abuse by getting out.   I have had to let a lot of things that I cannot control go or drive myself crazy (which I did for a long while).

My living where I do does not mean that I stopped being their mother and that I do not have any rights to see them regularly.  I am indeed their mother and I do have the same legal rights their father has.  Some people around me have made me feel that because I live so far away, that I don't have a say in what my children do or not do.  My 15 year old son has gotten himself into some serious trouble recently and I am very worried.  I am doing whatever I can to get him the help I need.  I have a pretty good idea what that help needs to be and I am trying really hard to work together with my ex-husband to make these decisions, although we don't always see eye to eye.  However, there are some people close to the situation that feel I don't really have a say in what happens because (as they say) I chose to abandon my children and move to another state.   These words are much more milder than what was actually said, but the meaning is still kind of the same.

So ya, I pretty much feel like a complete failure.  I am trying really hard to not let this bother me so much.  But it does.  It just brings back all the inadequacies and low self esteem issues I have been working on overcoming all my life, not to mention the guilt I feel.

To those that want to persecute me for what you believe to be the truth - "until you walk a thousand miles in my shoes, you have no right to judge me".  

For now, all I am wanting to focus on is getting the right help for my son.  I am worried sick about him.  He is such a great kid who is making some really bad choices right now.  I love him unconditionally, forever, for always and no matter what and will do whatever it takes to get him back on the right path.

So if you are one of those that are going to block that path by your negative thoughts, actions and deeds...... look out!  And if you feel the need to leave a negative comment on this blog, DON'T!  This is MY BLOG and I can write what I want, even if you don't like it!

To everyone else... I promise I am okay.... frustrated, angry, worried, heart sick.... but okay.  Thanks for all your love and support and for all your kind and loving comments.  You, my friends, are what gets me through the tough times.

Computer Crash!!!

Well my computer finally died. I mean the hard drive took a dump. No virus, just 10 years old and quit working. This means I have lost 10 years of documents and pictures stored on that thing because I was stupid and did not transfer anything off of it to an external backup drive or other storage places, as other people have indicated wishing they had done when this very thing happened to them. I knew this was going to happen sooner or later. My computer was running like a dinosaur. And I had good intentions of getting it cleaned up and stuff transferred, but just never took the time to do it.

Luckily we have an IT friend who came over last night to see if he could get anything off of that hard drive. After hours of work, it looks like it's going to be impossible to get the data recovered. So he got Bill's old computer cleaned up and working so I can at least use it until I can get something else. Problem is that computer is also a dinosaur and doesn't have enough room on the hard drive for much.

This is what I am looking at....

1. I need a new computer ASAP. a) because I am going to be starting school (will tell you more about this later on. b) this computer will not last for much longer either. I don't have the money for a new computer at this moment. I was hoping that my divorce settlement money (from 3 yrs ago) would have come through by now, but NO it is still tied up in a court battle (another story for another day). Now I am just hoping that I can get some educational grant money that will help cover the costs of a new computer because I will definately need a laptop for school.
2. I can get some of my photos from my blog and facebook and what I have saved in Picasa web albums but I still will have lost at least 7 years of photos I had saved. This makes me very sad and very mad at myself for not taking the time to get those pictures saved somewhere else.
3. I had all my employment stuff on that computer that I no longer have access to. This means I have to start all over again in creating my resume, references, etc. Lots of work.
4. I have several years of tax progams that are just gone. I hope I will not be needing those for anything.
5. I also have lost all my banking information that I have on MS Money. Years of history. Meaning I have to also start that all over again from today. No more history. I hope I won't ever need that either.
6. I am sure there are many more things I am not even thinking about.

Basically my computer was my lifeline. I used it for everything. Sad isn't it? How much we come to depend and rely on that little box.

Needless to say, but I have learned a BIG lesson. From now on I will backup all my important data onto at least 2 other places besides my computer like an external drive, SD cards or internet storage places.

I was blessed with one thing. The photos I was sending in to a local photo contest, I just happened to email them over to the company on Saturday. So while I no longer have those photos in my possession, I can get them off my email and I still am able to be in the contest. Had I waited another day, I wouldn't have those pictures. So I am grateful for that.

If you are in the same predictament that I was in and haven't backed up any of your really important documents and pictures to another location, I highly recommend you do this immediately. Don't be like me and think "Oh it won't happen to me". Because it will!

Well enough of my rambles. I have many things to do now so I am off to get to it.

TTFN

Self Image, Self Esteem, Self Confidence.... Am I adequate?

I am mostly an upbeat, happy and positive person.  I have experienced many times in life where I have had such a good positive outlook on my life and how I felt about myself that I felt wonderful and that I could conquer anything.   

However, the majority of my life I have dealt with a poor self image and feelings of inadequacy, which affects my self esteem and self confidence.  Haven't we all felt these feelings at one time or another?

I have dealt with many harsh and difficult times in my life that have affected the way I see and feel about myself.  These are some examples of times when I have felt the lowest of lows.

• Years of Mental and Verbal Abuse and manipulation from my husband of 20+ years.
• Finding out my husband had a lengthy affair with my best friend and many other indiscretions.
• Depression - Wanting to die.
• Getting divorced.
• Starting Over
• Losing close life-long friendships.
• Having my kids choose to live with their dad.  Where there is no structure, no rules and too many freedoms. 
• Having the people closest to me who are supposed to be there and support me during these difficult situations, choose to listen to the lies of a manipulative teenager who is trying to get their way, rather than the truth from me (the Mom of that teenager), to interfere and ambush me in such a way that relationships within a family have been destroyed. 
• Seeing my kids make really bad choices and suffering the consequences. 
• Moving to another State, leaving all thats familiar behind. 
• Making new friends.
• Trying to find a job.

All of these trials and situations have played a huge impact on who I am and how I see myself.  I am in a constant battle with myself every single day.  This is my personal Goliath.  I know this is Satan's way of getting to me.  He is using my weakness and trying his hardest to wear me down so that he can destroy me. 

Deep inside I know this and I know all the things I need to do to help myself have a better self image and just plain feel better.  But sometimes its much easier said than actually doing, especially when you already don't feel great.  It's an awful vicious cycle.  And Satan is very wise and knows just what to do to prevent me from doing these things.

But I do have a couple secret weapons that continue to help me fight this battle.  I have been blessed with a wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally.  Who compliments me and tells me how great I am and how much he loves me many times every day.  He treats me like I have never been treated before.  He inspires me and he motivates me.  He has been my little gift from God.  He helps put the positive affirmations about myself into my mind so that gradually I am feeling more positive things than negative. 

I also have my faith in my Savior, Jesus Christ.  It's through his love and sacrifice for me, that I know I will conquer my Goliath.  All I have to do is ask, and he is there guiding me, loving me and helping me conquer this battle within myself.

What are your personal Goliath's?  How have you conquered your battles?  I would love to hear your perspectives and experiences if you care to share with me?

B - O - R - E - D - O - M

Let me just say that my life right now is so dull and boring that I can hardly stand it.  My husband asks me today what I have posted on my blog lately and I tell him "nothing because I don't have anything to write about".  His response?  "Well you haven't done anything lately TO write about".   He's right!  I haven't... we haven't.  Like a bear I have been in hibernation.   The weather has kept us mostly in doors.  Lack of money and little vacation time has also kept us mostly in doors.  And I seriously need a vacation about now.  I often dream of being in someplace warm like Hawaii.   Heck, I would even be happy with going to the "The Happiest Place on Earth". Disneyland.  Anywhere, where it is not cold and there is no snow!  I can dream can't I? 

Ahhhhhh!

Very Happy!

I spend the majority of my day(s) doing "something" in trying to find a job.  And let me tell you... that is getting REALLY BORING.  When I am not doing that I am studying for the sunday lesson I teach, practicing the piano, goofing off on facebook, reading your blogs, watching TV, and spending whatever time I can with my husband in the evening before he goes to work.   I have also been learning the art of Couponing (that can take up some serious time). 

The weather hasn't made it possible for us to go anywhere new, fun, or interesting.  The most exciting times I have are taking a walk, going to the grocery store, and on Monday's when my husband has the day off, we try to do something like thrift or antique shopping (more like browsing), or to the movies.  Today we went to the bookstore where I purchased a new book, and we went to the movies and saw Edge of Darkness  (BTW - good "action filled" movie, but a little gory in parts).

I need to get more yarn so I can start another aphgan. I need to work on some photography, but I can't seem to find anything of interest to photo when there is nothing but snow and ice and I have already taken all those kinds of photos that I want right now.  I should catch up on scrapbooking but I just don't have an interest in that right now either.  I will probably start working on our taxes this week even though whatever refund there is will be paying back taxes from previous years.  I will be making Valentine Cookies tomorrow so I can send them off to my kids.  And I will also do my visiting teaching sometime this week.  Other than that, there is nothing to look forward to anytime soon.  Summer can't come soon enough. 

I can't wait for the snow to melt so we can go hiking, fishing, camping, paragliding, visit Ghost Towns and Yellowstone, white water rafting and horse back riding, exploring the Lewis & Clark Caverns, and maybe even head over to Mt. Rushmore.  THEN I will have something to write about.  And I can't wait!  But first.... Old Man Winter needs to give us a break and go on his own vacation so I can start mine. 

This, That and the Other?

This....

I think today I just need to get a few things off my chest.  Things that are overwhelming me, depressing me, worry me, as well as things that are good and bring me joy.

Today I was reading a post written by one of my bloggy friends, Mindy, who blogs at "Ponderings of the Heart", about "Soul Clutter".  It's an excellent post and I would recommend that you hop on over there and read it for yourself.  The definition of soul clutter in this post is being described as "the collection of emotional, relational, and spiritual issues that we have been stepping over."  And it got me thinking that I do have a lot of "soul clutter" that I need to start dealing with and stop stepping over in hopes they will just go away.  That being said, I think I will take this into consideration and begin decluttering my soul.  I have had so much emotional baggage this past year that I think if I could just confront some of these issues I would probably feel a lot better about myself and definately my load would be a lot lighter.  But confronting some of these things is rather scary and confusing and I don't even know where to start. 

That......

I teach the 14-15 year old Sunday School class at my church.  And while I enjoy teaching this class, it also scares me.  We are teaching from the Old Testament this year and I have always struggled understanding the scriptures.  I feel like some of these kids probably know more than I do.  And trying to find ways to teach the lesson on their level and to keep it interesting for them is sometimes really hard for me to do.  I know that being asked to accept this calling and teaching this class is more for my own benefit. I have prayed for help in understanding these scriptures better and I know that having to teach these lessons will help me to do just that.  So while this worries me greatly every week, I am also very grateful for what I am learning.  I just hope these kids will learn something from me too. 

Can I just say that I hate PMS?  Maybe thats why I have been feeling so down this week.  Maybe I shouldn't even be writing this post while I am going through this hormonal week.  I hate all the normal symtoms of moodiness, headaches, and things of that nature.  But I also have PCOS (polycistic ovarian syndrome) which causes all kinds of bad stuff especially cramps.  These cramps are the worst and often times puts me right down in a fetal position.  I get so frustrated with doctors who just want to treat my sympoms with birth control pills when all I want is to have all my female stuff removed!  They have served me no purpose except to cause me much grief each month.  Both of my kids are adopted because I have never been able to conceive.  So tell me what good is all that miserable equipment inside of me?  Just to make me miserable I guess! Enough said on that subject.  (You're probably breathing a sigh of relief!)

So the past few weeks I have spent many hours every day searching and applying for jobs.  The job market here is very competitive with many many applicants.  In fact there is a new hotel in town who was hiring for several positions which they listed in the paper and mentioned you could either apply on line or attend the job fair they would be having at end of this month.  I put my application in for a couple positions and then I read in the paper the following week that "due to the overwhelming response all job openings are closed and the job fair is cancelled."  It also said do not contact them, that if they are interested in interviewing you they would do the contacting.  That's how most job openings are like.  You really have to be on top of the game and stand out in order to get any kind of call back.  This has been very frustrating to me.  There are a couple jobs that have opened this week for which I have applied for and I am very excited about.  I am hoping I will at least get an interview. 

One of the greatest blessings in my life and also one of the most worrisome is my kids.  I love them so much, but I am so worried about them.  They are currently living with their dad while they are attending high school.  This was their wish even though I had many reservations about it.  But I was moving out of the state and did not want to disrupt their schooling, friends, or their happiness in the community where they live.  And because it was their wish I really didn't have any legal say in it.  All I asked for was that they continue to attend church, and maintain good school grades. Needless to say, their grades have slipped to an all time low and they do not go to church, and my son has gotten into a bit of trouble with friends.  In confronting the Ex husband about their grades I ask that as long as their grades are lower than a C average that all extra-curricular activities be stopped, that skateboards and phones be taken away.  He just says that he tries to motivate but won't be the bad guy.  So my kids can basically do whatever they want, get into whatever trouble they get in, and their dad won't be a parent that may have to put his foot down. Instead he is more worried about being "liked".  I don't mean to do any EX bashing but this is so frustrating to me.  It is causing me great stress and anxiety and I feel helpless.  I just don't know what to do! 

I just realized I don't even have a 2010 Calendar yet.  And so far I am late on birthdays for this month.  I have felt so disorganized and discombobulated lately that I really do need to get myself together.

I really think that I have lost myself.  After spending 15 years of being a mom to my kids and being actively involved in their activities, and then suddenly having to move so far away, and not having them part of my every day life; I truly feel lost.  It's like I have lost my identity or something.  Having to leave my job, my home, my family and moving so far away has been difficult to get used to. Making new friends and finding a place where I fit in has been hard.  Don't get me wrong, I like living here, I have enjoyed meeting new people, I love my husband's job, and the time we get to spend together and having the opportunity to explore all the sites around here.  It's just been hard to decide which direction to go and what to do with myself in this new life.  I know it will just take some time.  It's still gets me down though. 

Which brings me to this...

I think the doldrums of winter has set in. I am experiencing S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder).  I need the sun! I need to get my lazy butt outdoors and walk but its been so cold that I don't want to most days. I have gained a lot of the weight I lost 2 years ago back and that adds to my frustration and depression. I know what I need to do, but just getting started back up is so hard. Why is that? I guess it's lack of motivation! I definately need to find my motivation and soon!  The warmer, sunnier weather that brings the first hint of spring can't come soon enough. 

The Other.....and on a more positive note....

I made the best sandwiches the other day.  I got the idea from my friend, Rae's blog, who got the recipe from The Pioneer Woman.  It is called the Marlboro Mans Favorite Sandwich and you can go here to get the recipe.  I added green pepper and mushrooms to mine and broiled some swiss cheese on it before serving.  And boy it was so yummy!  My mouth is watering right now for more!  You have got to try it, the men in your family will love you! 

We are trying to fit in a few trips this year.  We would like to go to Arizona and see our beautiful grandkids and we would like to go to Texas to visit my in-laws and my sister.  We also want to go to Utah for the Highland Games in June and I also have my 25 Year Class Reunion in August.  Did I just say 25 years?  OMG!  I'm getting old!    I don't know how or if we will be able to fit it all in, but it gives me something to plan on and look forward to.

Here is a thought that keeps coming to mind as I have been writing this post. 

I really need to be more grateful for all the blessings in my life.  Because I am very blessed.  I have a wonderful husband who loves and adores me; I have wonderfully, smart, talented and beautiful children and stepchildren; I have 4 precious grandchildren; I have a loving and supportive extended family; I have a nice home to live in; and my husband's job provides for all the things we need; and above all I have my faith and testimony that God lives, that Jesus Christ is my savior who died for me so that I will someday be able to live with him once more.  With these blessings I have everything.  What more do I need? 

I think this also means I need to stop being so hard  on myself.  I need to be grateful for who I am, what I do accomplish, and just be happy and enjoy life.  I think this is how I begin to get rid of that soul clutter. 

Jibber Jabber from a Blog Slacker

Well maybe I'm not necessarily a complete Blog Slacker, I have just been so busy that I haven't done my regular posting this week and I haven't had a chance to do much catching up with you on your blogs.  Mix that with completely taking last week off, it makes me feel like I am slacking.  I am just going to have to get used to that and not feel guilty.  I really have come to love blogging.  And I have tried to at least post something at a minimum 3 days per week this past year, as it is my way of journaling my life.  But things are going to be changing for me to where I may not have that kind of time anymore.  What am I saying? 

Well lets start off with this......   I don't usually make New Year resolutions per say but this year I did create a list of tasks or "to do's" that need to get accomplished.  So without further ado here is the list.  The first on the list will tell you why I may not have time for regular blogging. 

My 2010 To-Do List

1. Get a job. 
   
   
   
2. Spend at least 4 hrs each day doing something towards getting a job. 
   
   
   
3. Purchase clothes for work.
   
   
   
4. Create our 2010 Budget and stick to it.  Find ways to save more money.
   
   
   
5. Exercise daily and eat healthier.
   
   
   
6. New Transmission for the Buick Rendevous. 
   
   
   
7. Window fixed on Mercury.
   
   
   
8. Piano repaired and tuned (as of today, the peddle maneuver thing broke)
   
   
   
9. Purchase New Computer (ASAP-ours is a dinosaur and is wreaking havoc, causing great stress and wasting valuable time.
   
   
   
10. Get taxes done ASAP. 
    
    
    
11. Find and take class on digital photography.
    
    
    
12. Copy all pictures from computer to a CD. 
    
    
    
13. Plan trip to Arizona to see kids and grandkids.
    
    
    
14. Plan trip to Texas to visit Bill's parents.
    
    
    
15. Crochet at least 2-3 aphgan's this year.
    
    
    
16. Practice piano daily.
    
    
    
17. Study sunday school lesson earlier in week and find ways to improve teaching.
    
    
    
18. Order credit report and find ways to improve credit score. (credit history really sucks since my divorce)
    
    
    
19. Find out why the heck I still have not received my portion of my ex's retirement as stated in divorce settlement now going on 2 years.  What a joke!
    
    
    
20. Begin organizing and scrapbooking pictures . 
    
    
    

Well that just about covers it.  Just by looking at my top 9 items, you can see why I need a job.  Since moving to Montana I have not had a job and have enjoyed staying home and being able to do what I have wanted.  The job market is still a little scary.  There are lots of people competing for the jobs that are available.  So we will see.  I am looking for a part-time job and I have extensive experience in many areas. 

So this week all I have been doing is updating my resume and applying for jobs, as well as starting on that budget thing.  This all takes time and that is why I have been so busy and quiet from blog world, and why I feel like a blog slacker. 

Wish me luck in the job hunt!   Hi-ho-hi-ho its off to work I go!  

I Got Stuff On My Mind

Here are a few random things I have been thinking about lately....

1. The most exciting thing is that the kids are going to be with us for Thanksgiving this year.  I have spent the last few months setting money aside for their plane tickets.  I got okay prices for it being a Holiday and everything.  However, they fly into Bozeman and fly back home out of Butte (about 1-1/2 hrs away). It's the only way I could keep the cost affordable. 
2. I am trying to find some things for all of us to do while they are here.  We will probably go to the Indoor Go Karts (if open), to the movies, bowling, ice skating (if ponds are frozen) and seeing some local nearby sites (weather permitting).  I also hope to be able to spend some time playing board and card games, Xbox games, as well as some crafty projects I have for them to make.  I hope that keeps the kiddos busy and happy and that they have some fun! I am so excited I can hardly stand it.  Do you have any suggestions on activities we can do with teenage kids?
3. I have been frustrated with the new camera.  The battery in the camera only lasted me a week.  After searching many stores, I found that I have to purchase the kind of battery it takes and charger through Kodak only at the small fortune of $90 +.  So I did some searching on Ebay and found a generic version that comes with 2 rechargable batteries and a charger for $16.00.  I decided to give this a shot and if it didn't work I wouldn't be out any great money.  I paid for the purchase on Oct 8th and I still have not received the package.  And after I got looking into it further, realized it was being sent directly from Hong Kong, China.  I usually am more careful when I make Ebay purchases to make sure I purchase items in USA only.  Needless to say, because it has to go through customs and all that it could take a while.  It's been 20 days isn't that long enough?   Now I am really kicking myself.  I should have just spent the money and got the Kodak brand from Kodak.  I would have had it long before now and I would have been able to use my camera!  Very frustrating!
4. Had to take the Rendevous in for transmission work today.  For the past few weeks its been trying to skip gears and has been really rough when it shifts into different gears.  We went for a drive, last weekend, up to the canyon.  We wanted to check out this lake that was at the top. The Rendevous kept having a real hard time shifting and so we ended up turning around and coming home before we reached our destination.  Can we ever go more than a couple months without car problems?  The transmission place is going to do a complete flush and filter change and said there is something they can do with the computer system that "tweaks" it or something like that.  This will set us back another $250 + and hope it fixes the problem. 
5. We have been to the movies more in two weeks than we have in probably 6 months or longer.  There just hasn't been any movies that have come out recently that even looked appealing.  Last week we saw Law Abiding Citizen with Jamie Foxx & Gerard Butler.  Revenge to the extreme! But I liked it even though it had some violent and gory scenes.  I really loved the clever plot turn finale.  And then yesterday we saw Paranormal Activity.  I am always up for a good "boo-you" type movie.  But this movie is probably the most scariest I've seen.  It is genuinely horrifying and it will make you jump out of your seat!  Its good and interesting but definately scary!  I couldn't sleep last night because of it.  So if you choose to see it, beware!
6. Shellise found out yesterday at the dentist why her teeth have been hurting her so bad.  All 4 of her wisdom teeth are coming in and impacting all of her other teeth.  The x-rays look a little scary.  So she has to have oral surgery ASAP.  Get this though... even though she is double covered under insurance that will cover this, the Oral Surgeon requires $600 up front before he will do the surgery.  And then I guess we try to get that reimbursed by insurance.  So now we have to scramble for the upfront cash so she can get this procedure done and hopefully feeling better soon. 
7. I am so worried about Jessie right now.  He is making some really bad choices and doing some things that is getting him into some trouble.  It all stems from his choice of friends and that instead of leading he wants to be a follower.  This doesn't even cover how poorly he is doing school and his "I know everything that will get me by in life" attitude.  He has so much potential and talent in so many things and he is so smart, but I am afraid he is going to blow it all.  This really scares me!  Please help me pray for him! 
8. Let's just say that an ex-wife is coming back to haunt us again by more fraud and identity theft. This is so difficult for Bill because its his credit that is being demolished.  And the feeling that we can never get ahead. I guess this time we have to file police reports and hope they will go after her for real this time. Ugh! Enough said about that right now!
9. And finally, Christmas is just around the corner and I am not ready.  The time since Memorial Day weekend has just blown by and I am afraid I just can't believe or am willing to accept its that time of year again.  Between Bill & I, we have 5 kids and 4 grandchildren.  I have a couple ideas and things in mind for a couple of them but I am really struggling to know what to do for the others.  I had hoped I would be able to do more crafty type things this year, but with the move it has made it next to impossible to do that.  I am working on an afghan but thats it so far.  I had hopes to make my own hand stamped Christmas Cards this year, but I don't think thats going to happen either.  But you know... thats ok I think.  Sometimes, less is more and I want to enjoy the season instead of being stressed over it.  Bill and I will be alone for Christmas this year.  However, I am hoping that if weather permits, Shellise & Jessie will be able to come up around the 26th and stay for the rest of the Holiday. 

I guess that just about wraps it up.  I was going to also go into the frustration I have had in finding a hair stylist I like to do my hair.  It's hard when you move to a new area to even know where to go, and the one place I tried when I first moved here ended up being a pricy nightmare.  But today, I found one that I will be happy going to.  So finally, after 10 weeks of frumpy hair that has driven me completely insane and into tears a couple times, I finally have a decent cut that I like and hair salon that is a block away with a hair stylist that actually has a lot of things in common with me.  Yeah!!!  I can finally check that off my list. 

Any comments, ideas, suggestions is appreciated! 

ON A QUEST FOR GOOD BREAD....AND OTHER STUFF I'M MISSING!!

Some of you may have experienced moving from one place to another.  Moving to a different house in the same city or even state isn't so bad.  Moving to another state or country is a whole other experience.  After moving long distance it really takes time to get used to things.  Every state is different in one way or another.  It could be whether or not they charge sales tax, or local laws that are different than what you may be used.  Moving to Bozeman, Montana from Salt Lake City, Utah has been a good experience for the most part.  However, there are some things that will definately take some getting used to. 

For instance, I can't buy my favorite bread here.  For those that live in Utah and know and love Grandma Sycamore's bread, you will understand.  For those of you that don't know, you will have to trust me.  It is the best bread out there.  Its the next best thing to homemade and so very fresh!  I searched every store in this town only to find out they don't carry Sara Lee products and have no idea what I'm talking about when I ask.  So I am on a quest for good bread and so far I haven't found it.  Very disappointed!  So for now, I go to Great Harvest to get the Honey Whole Wheat that I like from there. And if I want white bread I'll either have to "settle" with what is available, or find a recipe that I like and bake it myself.  Now begins my search for a good bread recipe.  If you have one, please do share!

Next, are the many restaurants that I love and that they don't have here.  Yet, anyway. 

This is where Bill and I first met and its our favorite! Closest one is over 2 hrs away.

No more Charbroiled Chicken Club Sandwiches with Fried Zucchini

Good bye to the Green Burrito's and Chicken Quesadilla's

There are none of these either.... not on every corner... not in Montana!

What No Slurpee's??

No Maverik gas stations?  Bill's favorite place for snacks and things. 

Seeing Casinos attached to every gas station and on every corner is something else I will have to get used.  Yup! You guessed it, gambling is legal in Montana.  Its nothing like Las Vegas or Reno, Nevada... not even close.  But, yes there are many, many casinos. 

Another thing that I just learned about a couple days ago when I went to Subway is that they do not take the point cards here in Montana.  What?   What about all my points I've been saving for that free sandwich, chips and drink?  Ugh!!!!

For those of you that are LDS and live in Utah and like to frequent Deseret Book or Seagull Book & Tape, BE VERY GRATEFUL!   The closest Seagull Book is 4 hrs away in Idaho Falls.  There isn't a book store in town that carry any LDS products.  Nope, not even WalMart folks!  Online Shopping is the next best thing.  This will definately take some getting used to.   

Bill listens to audiobooks while he drives at night. He really enjoys many LDS authors as well as many authors outside the LDS scene.  However, accessibility to LDS audiobooks outside of Utah is very very difficult.  You can't just run down to Deseret Book or Seagull Book to buy them and you definately can't just run into your local library and pick up an LDS authored book of your choosing.  Nope!  It doesn't work like that here.  So, I have spent countless hours searching for online audiobook downloads that I can purchase and download onto my own home computer, and either burn to a CD or transfer to Ipod.   Note to self - Ipod purchase is needed very soon! 

Oh... and we don't even get a radio station that plays Delilah!  How am I to survive not being able to listen to Delilah at night?  Well okay...I can listen as long as I'm on the computer! 

One other thing that I thought strange, and I already posted this to facebook a few days ago, is this sign that I found at our local library. 

Move Over Handicap Parking!  This sign took up at least two up front rows of parking.  Is that discrimination against most of us who drive regular gasoline type vehicles? Strange!

But Hey, there are many things to like about this place.  I live in Big Sky Country, Montana.  It's beautiful here! I live very close to my most favorite place, Yellowstone National Park.  It's right out my back door and  I can explore it any time I want.  The weather is so nice and mild (compared to Utah) in the summer, and the winters aren't that much different than what I am used to. 

There are many new things and places to explore.  Hiking and biking trails are everywhere, as well as fabulous White Water rafting and Fly Fishing expeditions.  This is Fly Fishing capital USA afterall!!  There are 3 very large rivers very close by... The Yellowstone, The Gallatin (for the rafting), and The Madison (for the fly fishing).  Oh.. and it's only a 30 minute drive to the nearest Ski and Snowboard area.  Bill is happy about that. 

There are thousands of acres of wheat farms, cattle ranches, as well as horse ranches surrounding the area. 

It's a dog friendly town.  Dogs are welcome pretty much anywhere here.  Even into some eating establishments where they have a supply of dog bowls for water and food. 

The people are friendly and willing to help if you need it. The community comes out and supports all the local events and school activities. 

It's a smaller town than what I am used to, which I like very much.  It only takes a couple minutes to get ot Bill's work.  Yet there are plenty of shopping establishments to visit.  WalMart and Target are on top of my list.  There is a mall with JCPenney's and Maceys and all the other stores you find in a regular mall type setting.

We don't have to pay sales tax on anything we shop for.  And our cars don't need Emissions & Safety Inspections in order to get them licensed and registered.  That's a BIG plus! 

Yes, it will take time to get used to the differences and to find things to replace others that I got used to in Utah, but there are so many other things to like, to experience and enjoy.  I'm still in the newness (is that a word?) stage and every day is an adventure to me, and I am finding that I am enjoying that part very much.

Have you moved recently and are missing some of your favorite things?  Please share your experiences with me. 

Life Changes!

Shellise made it home from California okay. She had a wonderful time but came home very exhausted and ill from extreme sun exposure due to falling a sleep at the beach on their last day. They were extremely busy during their week there but really had a wonderful experience. I am so glad she got to go. I want to tell all of you who helped her raise the necessary money to pay for her expenses, THANK YOU!!!!

She got home Sunday and on Monday she moved to Cedar City. Now I have an empty nest and I am not very happy about that. I call it my Pre-mature empty next because your kids aren't supposed to leave the nest until they are of age. Unfortunately, divorce changes that. That is one of the downsides of divorce.

Today is my birthday and I am alone. My kids are gone and Bill is in Montana. How did I spend my day? I worked! And then my mom and grandma rescued me by taking me out to lunch. Thank You! And thank you to all my friends who have sent me Happy Birthday messages.

Over the past 3 years I have experienced and had to make many significant life changing decisions that have impacted my family for good and bad. From moving my family to Cedar City after living in our home in Salt Lake for 12 years; to getting divorced and moving back to Salt Lake with my kids; Jessie moving back to Cedar City to live with his dad; Getting remarried; Shellise moving to Cedar City with her dad; and now again we are having to make yet another big life changing decision. It is so hard to know what to do and hope that whatever we decide it will be a good choice. Unfortunately, we don't have a lot of time to decide. I just pray that Heavenly Father will be listening and answering our prayers very soon.

Seriously though, how many life changes does one person have to deal with at once? Is there never a rest, a time of peace? It sure doesn't feel like I have had that lately. There are many stresses that are making my life feel crazy!! I know that there are a lot of you that are experiencing big changes in your lives right now. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone :) However, if you have any words of advice for me on how to keep myself from going insane, please feel free to comment.

What Up With Us?

I just realized how long its been since I last posted something onto our blog. I really have struggled in trying to figure out what to write. Most of the time I think our life is so boring and monotonous that nobody would be interested in hearing about it anyway. I also no longer have a camera and so I have no pictures to post or write about.

But hey, its time I write something and so I'll just catch you up on what we have been up to the past few weeks.

Yesterday, Monday May 11th - Bill and I decided to go on our first hike of the season. We decided we would drive up East Canyon and find a hiking trail there. The first trail we came to we stopped and decided it would be the trail we would hike. It ended up being the Mormon Pioneer Trail. I took a few pictures with my phone camera, hoping they would turn out ok.



Sunday, May 10th Mother's Day - Mothers Day was disappointing for me in many ways. It's a long story and I won't get into the details. Family and teenager issues was the direct cause and I was just sad and disappointed in the direction things went. The best part of Mothers' Day was that Shellise spoke in church on Sunday and honored me. She did a terrific job! That part I am happy about. The other nice thing was getting together with my family at my mom's for dinner. We had a really nice dinner prepared by all of us. My brother in law provided all the bacon wrapped pork loin meat which he BBQ'd. Mom baked potatoes and cooked asparagus. My brother Jay provided a really nice salad like you would get at Olive Garden complete with the Olive Garden dressing. I made homemade potato dinner rolls. It was all very yummy!

Last week, we had Bill's son (my stepson) Kyle (21 yrs old in June) visiting us from Mesa, AZ. He flew in on Friday, May 1st and stayed until Friday, May 8th. This was the first time I got a chance to formally meet him. We have spoken a lot on the phone, email, and facebook, but prior to this week neither of us was able to visit the other for many reasons. We had such a great visit. Saturday night we went out to Rodizio's and had a wonderful Brazilian dinner.

On Sunday, we went to church and then took a drive up East and Emigration Canyon's. Everything is so green and beautiful this time of year. We enjoyed the drive. I also had my bowling league playoffs that night. Our team took first place the first half of season and so we played the team that took first place the second half of the season. Our team ended up losing by 23 pins. So very close. But it was fun and thats all that matters. The bowling season is now over until fall.

Kyle was asked by friends to take home Salt Water taffy from Salt Lake. So on Monday, we stopped by the Sweet's Candy Factory and went on a tour of the plant. We then spent some money at the Sweet's store and bought lots of taffy and other candies.

Afterwards, Kyle wanted to go to temple square and get some pictures. He enjoys photography and took some great photos, that he shared with me. The flower gardens are so beautiful this time of year. Here are a few photos at temple square.

The rest of the week with Kyle went really fast. We had some really good times and made some wonderful memories. Friday came too soon and Kyle was quickly gone and we miss him so much. Thanks to Kyle, I actually have pictures I can post!

As for what else we have been up to, we have cleaned up our back yard and prepared a garden spot, and planted our garden. I still need to get some tomatoes and peppers, but other than that we are just waiting for the seeds to begin sprouting.

We have also been enjoying watching Shellise play softball. She plays on an 18 and under team even though she is just 15. They didn't have enough girls to have enough 16 and under teams so they combined the two. This makes Shellise the youngest on the team, but you wouldn't know it. She looks as old as any of them and plays just as well, if not better than some of the older girls. She usually plays 3rd base and right field, and sometimes 1st base. They call her "crazy socks" because she always wears crazy socks. In these pictures she is wearing tall green socks with black leopard stripes. Here are a few pics.

Shellise has also been practicing her Viola a lot more than normal as she has been preparing for tryouts for the Summer Granite Youth Symphony. She actually had tryouts last Thursday and should know sometime this week if she gets accepted. If she does, then she will be preparing for a summer tour to California. She believes her tryouts went well and is really hoping she makes it as do we. I will let you know as soon as we know something.

I am sad that Jessie lives so far away in Cedar City that I don't get to see any of his ballgames. They don't play any games on weekends down there so it makes it next to impossible to get down there during the week. I sure miss that kid and wish I could see him more and be a part of his every day life. Its just not right for a mother to not have all of her children under one roof.

We also have a new grandbaby. Bill's daughter Stephanie gave birth to George Dominguez Jr. who was born premature on January 29th. He has struggled with many health problems and just went home a few weeks ago in April. Unfortunately we don't have any pictures. This makes 4 grandchildren, 3 Grandaughters and now a Grandson. I will post some pics of these cuties sometime soon.

Wow! This is getting way too long, so I better stop now. But this just proves to myself that I really need to keep this updated a little more often.

Thoughts and Thanks

To all my friends and family THANK YOU for your advice regarding my last post about my son. I have given it much thought and prayer and have decided to let it go for now and just be the best mom I can be to him when he is in my home, and love him regardless of what he does. To fight him will be to have him hate and resent me for years to come.

I am reminded of that quote..."If you love something set it free. If it comes back it is yours forever. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be.

The last part doesn't completely apply to a person that is indeed your child because I have to believe he was definately meant to be. To me it means that I have to have great courage and a strong faith to believe that Jessie will someday see that maybe his choices haven't been the best and maybe he will see that I am there for him and love him no matter what and he will want that in his every day life.

So to all of you who posted comments with your advice, I appreciate you so much for your thoughts and your caring words. Thanks for being such great friends.

Teenage concerns or lack of parenting?

Most of the time I only write posts that are positive. But since this is a way that I can also journalize my life, I decided that I have to write and post the bad along with the good. So this isn't one on the lighter side.

Most of you know that my son Jessie is living with his Dad, my ex-husband, in Cedar City. He has been since July against my wishes and better judgement. But I had no choice. I was told it was in "his best interest" that he live in Cedar City with his dad. It has been really tough on me.

Now I don't intend this to be in any way "Ex bashing", but you must get an idea of what I am talking about in order to understand my concerns. You see, my ex-husband does not have the same value system that I have and the same value system that I have raised our kids to have. His parenting skills are totally opposite of mine. This is extremely difficult especially since Jessie has been getting into a lot of trouble lately.

My dear sweet boy is not the same boy he was when he lived under my roof. Since he has lived with his dad he has stopped attending church, scouts, and young mens. He is failing most of his classes. He has had in-school suspensions. He has gotten himself involved with the "Skater" crowd and, therefore, dresses as such. From skinny jeans that are tight in the legs but still hang down below his rear end, to long hair, and now to ear piercings. None of this I approve of. And this doesn't even count the disrespectful attitude he has towards me, Shellise and other family members when he is visiting.

Now this may all be about him being a teenager and trying to fit in with the crowd. But I feel he is lacking structure and discipline, and of course mothering. His dad's way of disciplining is by "having a talk with him". There are no consequences for his actions. His dad does not see that there is a problem. So while it may be a teenage thing, I see it as also being lack of parenting.

I do not see that it has been "in his best interest" to live with his Dad in Cedar City. But Jessie refuses to come back and live with me. And to get this reversed, I will have to take it through the court system.

Needless to say, I am heartbroken. I feel it is totally out of my control. That I am being forced to watch my son make choices that will lead him down a path that will not end up being very happy for any of us in the future. I worry about him constantly. It hurts so much to see how much he has changed in a short amount of time.

I don't know what to do. I hate the position that I am in. Do I continue to let things be as they are and hope for the best, or do I take this back through the court system and fight him, and his Dad, and force him to come back?

If any of you have any advice or suggestions, I would appreciate hearing from you.

Glad today is over!

Today started out pretty good I thought, but ended up not being so good. Every single person I had to deal with today for work was mean, rude, ugly and many other words. By the end of the day I was angry and emotional and exhausted. I am also missing my husband who has been gone for a couple days and still isn't home and I am just so tired of dealing with all these emotions lately.

I am still fighting the blues. Some days I am happy and some days I just want to throw myself on the floor kicking and screaming with anger and then some days I just want to cry. And some days like today I experience it all. Whatever hormonal imbalance I am dealing with I just want it to go away! I hate how it is affecting me and those around me. I hate feeling out of control. It is not like me.

I have been working a lot lately, because we are swamped with work and we can use the extra money right now. But having to work more means not getting anything done around the house. I still have not taken down Christmas and the house is a disaster.. and that is really bothering me too because I like to have a house of order. Bill has been gone a lot for work and Shellise is extremely busy with school and all of her extracurricular activities. So there is no one to pick up the slack and help out.

I guess I am not dealing with things very well and I really hate that. I hope tomorrow will be a better day. And since I am so exhausted... I must get to bed and get some sleep.

I hope everyone reading this has a much better day and attitude than I have had.

Winter Holiday Blues

I guess the winter blues have got me down. The past couple of days have been emotionally rough on me for reasons that I don't understand. I have nothing to be depressed or sad about, but yet for some reason I am. I have been crying over silly stuff, tired all the time, temperamental and pretty much angry at everything.

Bill and I had a long discussion yesterday about this and have reached the conclusion that it's a case of winter blues or depression. The culprit is probably due to poor diet intake (more sweets than I'm used to due to all the parties lately and lack of will power), lack of exercise (because I have been a real slacker lately), and a lot to do with not getting the serotonin I need from the sun (because we haven't seen the sun for many days) - or in other words some kind of chemical imbalance within myself.

Anyway, I was a real witch (with a B) yesterday. I yelled at my kids for no reason, pushed my wonderful sweet husband away by saying nasty things, refused to go on a Mother and Sisters outing with my family yesterday. All of which are not like me. So I really have a lot of apologizing to do and hope that each person I hurt will forgive me. I am so sorry to all of you for anything I did or said that hurt you.

Today I have really made an effort to make things better. The sun shining today has helped a lot. I got up early and went out to work, I am focusing on a much healthier diet, and I am going to fit some excercise into my schedule today.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of madness during the holiday's or winter? What do you do or have you done to help get yourself back in balance? I am really curious to see if I am just the only crazy one out there. I would appreciate any suggestions or tips to make sure this does not happen again.

One of my greatest fears...

One of my greatest fears (not the greatest, but a close runner up) came to fruition today. For those of you that don't know, my husband, Bill, drives the big trucks for FedEx Freight. At 1:00 this morning he left for Las Vegas pulling 3 trailers. Earlier in the day it snowed and then it got really cold but the roads were clear and dry until he reached the Fillmore/Meadow area on I-15. He then hit black ice and his back trailer went flipping into the median, followed by his middle trailer, and just as the truck itself started tipping he was able to pull out of it and stop.

At 5:50 this morning, after startling myself awake when I realized I hadn't heard from him in a while, I called and called his phone and couldn't reach him. A deep dread came over me, but fortunately he called shortly after that and told me what happened. That although it was a huge mess, and he would be there for many hours, HE WAS NOT INJURED and nobody else was involved. That was the most wonderful news for me!!! He said that the Highway Patrol was working on two separate accidents involving cars that hit that same black ice, just as he hit it and went out of control. Luckily no one was injured as far as I know.

There are so many things that could have happened to make this a much worse situation. I am very grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who listens to our prayers every time we pray before Bill leaves on one of his trips. I am thankful to Heavenly Father for watching out for him and keeping him safe. Every single time he leaves I fear for his safety. I worry and I am not relieved of that worry until I know he has reached his destination safely.

Unfortunately, after many hours of being delayed, they still sent Bill on to Las Vegas instead of sending him back home. So, I don't even get to see him or hold him until tomorrow morning sometime. He was pretty shaken up and wanted to come home but the freight that he had in the one trailer left still had to be delivered. Such is the life of a freight truck driver.

It is a HUGE fear of mine that I will lose someone else I love in some kind of automobile accident. After losing my Cousin's 15 year old son in an automobile accident last December, it really scares me to know how quickly a life can be taken in a blink of an eye.

I am very grateful and happy that I was given the blessing of being spared what would be the greatest loss in my life.

Bad Things that have Happened to Good Kids

This past week two friends of my kids from Cedar City were seriously injured in separate accidents.

Erik Bettridge, 14 years old, was injured on October 25th in a motorcycle accident. He was life flighted to Primary Children's Hospital with serious head injuries. He remains in a drug induced coma to keep him from moving which would cause more injury to his brain. He will be in this comatose state for at least 2 more weeks. It will be several months before they know what kind of recovery he will make.
http://www.carepages.com/carepages/Erikspace

While my kids were at the hospital, yesterday, visiting Erik's family, Shellise found out that a friend of hers, Chase Roberts, 14 years old, was also in that hospital. Again, life flighted there this week, because he was accidentally shot in the neck by his little sister. He will be permanently paralyzed from the chest down.
http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=148&sid=4651169

This has been traumatizing to my kids. It makes you realize how precious life is and how things can change in the blink of an eye or as Shellise says, "a beat of the heart".

Our hearts go out to these families. We are praying for them. We hope that they will find peace in knowing that there are many people that care about them and wish them the very best during these hard times.

While I am on this subject, I am remembering the tragic events that took place in our family last December 13th. My cousin's son, Dustin Wright, 15 years old, was killed in a rollover accident in Millard County, in a car being recklessly driven by his 16 year old friend. These past 10 months have been full of pain and heartache for all of our family over the loss of this young man. He had so much going for him and his death is a great loss to all.

I hope that we never take for granted the lives we have and remember that it can be gone in a split second. Bad things can happen to good people. Let's all be a little more loving and caring to those around us. Lets remember what is really important... it's not the things we have, but the memories that we share with family and friends that we will take with us.