Goliath is back

A little over a year ago I wrote about my personal Goliath. You can read it HERE.  Well it seems to be haunting me again.  Or maybe it is more like I am allowing it to haunt me again just because someone chose to be cruel to me in such a way that is devastating to my already vulnerable psyche.  I don't know how much I should share about this situation because it has to do with my children.  Many of you already know the real truth and why things are the way they are with my children.  Others who don't know all the details tend to be very judgmental and cruel and place blame where there should be none.  

Yes, my teenage children live with their dad in Utah.  They chose to live with him after our divorce against my wishes and with my belief that it was not in their best interest to do so.  The law says they are old enough to make those choices, and they did.  Yes, I did move away from Utah with my husband's job.  Am I happy about being so far away from my kids?  No!  My heart aches for them every single day!  But there is not one single thing I can do about it.

If you read my previous post, you know why I divorced my ex-husband.  I got out of a bad situation, after 22 years, to save myself, and yet I have been punished and persecuted over and over for making that choice, by my kids and many others around me.  Yes, divorce is very hard on kids. It.Is.Terrible! I hate what it has done to my children and how it has changed our relationship with each other.  I was not the adulterer in my marriage or the one who chose a different path to walk down than the one we vowed to each other, but yet I am the bad guy, the one to blame for everything, simply because I stopped the abuse by getting out.   I have had to let a lot of things that I cannot control go or drive myself crazy (which I did for a long while).

My living where I do does not mean that I stopped being their mother and that I do not have any rights to see them regularly.  I am indeed their mother and I do have the same legal rights their father has.  Some people around me have made me feel that because I live so far away, that I don't have a say in what my children do or not do.  My 15 year old son has gotten himself into some serious trouble recently and I am very worried.  I am doing whatever I can to get him the help I need.  I have a pretty good idea what that help needs to be and I am trying really hard to work together with my ex-husband to make these decisions, although we don't always see eye to eye.  However, there are some people close to the situation that feel I don't really have a say in what happens because (as they say) I chose to abandon my children and move to another state.   These words are much more milder than what was actually said, but the meaning is still kind of the same.

So ya, I pretty much feel like a complete failure.  I am trying really hard to not let this bother me so much.  But it does.  It just brings back all the inadequacies and low self esteem issues I have been working on overcoming all my life, not to mention the guilt I feel.

To those that want to persecute me for what you believe to be the truth - "until you walk a thousand miles in my shoes, you have no right to judge me".  

For now, all I am wanting to focus on is getting the right help for my son.  I am worried sick about him.  He is such a great kid who is making some really bad choices right now.  I love him unconditionally, forever, for always and no matter what and will do whatever it takes to get him back on the right path.

So if you are one of those that are going to block that path by your negative thoughts, actions and deeds...... look out!  And if you feel the need to leave a negative comment on this blog, DON'T!  This is MY BLOG and I can write what I want, even if you don't like it!

To everyone else... I promise I am okay.... frustrated, angry, worried, heart sick.... but okay.  Thanks for all your love and support and for all your kind and loving comments.  You, my friends, are what gets me through the tough times.

Self Image, Self Esteem, Self Confidence.... Am I adequate?

I am mostly an upbeat, happy and positive person.  I have experienced many times in life where I have had such a good positive outlook on my life and how I felt about myself that I felt wonderful and that I could conquer anything.   

However, the majority of my life I have dealt with a poor self image and feelings of inadequacy, which affects my self esteem and self confidence.  Haven't we all felt these feelings at one time or another?

I have dealt with many harsh and difficult times in my life that have affected the way I see and feel about myself.  These are some examples of times when I have felt the lowest of lows.

• Years of Mental and Verbal Abuse and manipulation from my husband of 20+ years.
• Finding out my husband had a lengthy affair with my best friend and many other indiscretions.
• Depression - Wanting to die.
• Getting divorced.
• Starting Over
• Losing close life-long friendships.
• Having my kids choose to live with their dad.  Where there is no structure, no rules and too many freedoms. 
• Having the people closest to me who are supposed to be there and support me during these difficult situations, choose to listen to the lies of a manipulative teenager who is trying to get their way, rather than the truth from me (the Mom of that teenager), to interfere and ambush me in such a way that relationships within a family have been destroyed. 
• Seeing my kids make really bad choices and suffering the consequences. 
• Moving to another State, leaving all thats familiar behind. 
• Making new friends.
• Trying to find a job.

All of these trials and situations have played a huge impact on who I am and how I see myself.  I am in a constant battle with myself every single day.  This is my personal Goliath.  I know this is Satan's way of getting to me.  He is using my weakness and trying his hardest to wear me down so that he can destroy me. 

Deep inside I know this and I know all the things I need to do to help myself have a better self image and just plain feel better.  But sometimes its much easier said than actually doing, especially when you already don't feel great.  It's an awful vicious cycle.  And Satan is very wise and knows just what to do to prevent me from doing these things.

But I do have a couple secret weapons that continue to help me fight this battle.  I have been blessed with a wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally.  Who compliments me and tells me how great I am and how much he loves me many times every day.  He treats me like I have never been treated before.  He inspires me and he motivates me.  He has been my little gift from God.  He helps put the positive affirmations about myself into my mind so that gradually I am feeling more positive things than negative. 

I also have my faith in my Savior, Jesus Christ.  It's through his love and sacrifice for me, that I know I will conquer my Goliath.  All I have to do is ask, and he is there guiding me, loving me and helping me conquer this battle within myself.

What are your personal Goliath's?  How have you conquered your battles?  I would love to hear your perspectives and experiences if you care to share with me?