Friday, April 15, 2011

Goliath is back

A little over a year ago I wrote about my personal Goliath. You can read it HERE.  Well it seems to be haunting me again.  Or maybe it is more like I am allowing it to haunt me again just because someone chose to be cruel to me in such a way that is devastating to my already vulnerable psyche.  I don't know how much I should share about this situation because it has to do with my children.  Many of you already know the real truth and why things are the way they are with my children.  Others who don't know all the details tend to be very judgmental and cruel and place blame where there should be none.  

Yes, my teenage children live with their dad in Utah.  They chose to live with him after our divorce against my wishes and with my belief that it was not in their best interest to do so.  The law says they are old enough to make those choices, and they did.  Yes, I did move away from Utah with my husband's job.  Am I happy about being so far away from my kids?  No!  My heart aches for them every single day!  But there is not one single thing I can do about it.

If you read my previous post, you know why I divorced my ex-husband.  I got out of a bad situation, after 22 years, to save myself, and yet I have been punished and persecuted over and over for making that choice, by my kids and many others around me.  Yes, divorce is very hard on kids. It.Is.Terrible! I hate what it has done to my children and how it has changed our relationship with each other.  I was not the adulterer in my marriage or the one who chose a different path to walk down than the one we vowed to each other, but yet I am the bad guy, the one to blame for everything, simply because I stopped the abuse by getting out.   I have had to let a lot of things that I cannot control go or drive myself crazy (which I did for a long while).

My living where I do does not mean that I stopped being their mother and that I do not have any rights to see them regularly.  I am indeed their mother and I do have the same legal rights their father has.  Some people around me have made me feel that because I live so far away, that I don't have a say in what my children do or not do.  My 15 year old son has gotten himself into some serious trouble recently and I am very worried.  I am doing whatever I can to get him the help I need.  I have a pretty good idea what that help needs to be and I am trying really hard to work together with my ex-husband to make these decisions, although we don't always see eye to eye.  However, there are some people close to the situation that feel I don't really have a say in what happens because (as they say) I chose to abandon my children and move to another state.   These words are much more milder than what was actually said, but the meaning is still kind of the same.

So ya, I pretty much feel like a complete failure.  I am trying really hard to not let this bother me so much.  But it does.  It just brings back all the inadequacies and low self esteem issues I have been working on overcoming all my life, not to mention the guilt I feel.

To those that want to persecute me for what you believe to be the truth - "until you walk a thousand miles in my shoes, you have no right to judge me".  

For now, all I am wanting to focus on is getting the right help for my son.  I am worried sick about him.  He is such a great kid who is making some really bad choices right now.  I love him unconditionally, forever, for always and no matter what and will do whatever it takes to get him back on the right path.

So if you are one of those that are going to block that path by your negative thoughts, actions and deeds...... look out!  And if you feel the need to leave a negative comment on this blog, DON'T!  This is MY BLOG and I can write what I want, even if you don't like it!

To everyone else... I promise I am okay.... frustrated, angry, worried, heart sick.... but okay.  Thanks for all your love and support and for all your kind and loving comments.  You, my friends, are what gets me through the tough times.


Garden of Egan said...

So sorry Sher. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I can't imagine what torment you must be going through. Raising kids is so stinking hard. It's also so very hard to allow them to use their agency.

You are a wonderful woman. Please know that.
Try not to allow any mean spirited comments diminish who you really are.
You're right, know one has walked where you've walked. No one knows your heart except the Master Healer.

Dwight said...

I'm so sorry that people are tormenting you. If it is who I think it is that is giving you this feeling again, please just let it go, because if you look at how her own children turned out she really doesn't have the right to judge you. Yes, you don't live close so you haven't been able to get involved in the kids life's as you would like, but that has also been enhanced by your not being allowed to get involved as often as you could have because of the dad's influence on them and telling them how far it is to Montana and etc. I better stop now or I will say way to much. Keep your chin up and work on what you can do to help Jessie and hopefully someone will see the light. Take care of yourself. I love you, honey.

midRae said...


I am so sorry for what you are going through and want to add my support and love to the many who already give it to you. I also want to let you know that I am right here, right here in Cedar, if you need me for any reason. I would not hesitant to be there for you or your kids. So if you need me let me know and I will be there.

Hang on and remember that you are their mother and they will remember that, maybe just not all of the time. But our babies always come back.

midRae said...

That should have said hesitate, I really hate typos, especially mine. :)

Valerie said...

Hang in there! Just remember that Goliath doesn't win in the end. Sending lots of love going your way. If you ever need to talk, I'm just a phone call away.