I think today I just need to get a few things off my chest. Things that are overwhelming me, depressing me, worry me, as well as things that are good and bring me joy.
Today I was reading a post written by one of my bloggy friends, Mindy, who blogs at "Ponderings of the Heart", about "Soul Clutter". It's an excellent post and I would recommend that you hop on over there and read it for yourself. The definition of soul clutter in this post is being described as "the collection of emotional, relational, and spiritual issues that we have been stepping over." And it got me thinking that I do have a lot of "soul clutter" that I need to start dealing with and stop stepping over in hopes they will just go away. That being said, I think I will take this into consideration and begin decluttering my soul. I have had so much emotional baggage this past year that I think if I could just confront some of these issues I would probably feel a lot better about myself and definately my load would be a lot lighter. But confronting some of these things is rather scary and confusing and I don't even know where to start.
I teach the 14-15 year old Sunday School class at my church. And while I enjoy teaching this class, it also scares me. We are teaching from the Old Testament this year and I have always struggled understanding the scriptures. I feel like some of these kids probably know more than I do. And trying to find ways to teach the lesson on their level and to keep it interesting for them is sometimes really hard for me to do. I know that being asked to accept this calling and teaching this class is more for my own benefit. I have prayed for help in understanding these scriptures better and I know that having to teach these lessons will help me to do just that. So while this worries me greatly every week, I am also very grateful for what I am learning. I just hope these kids will learn something from me too.
Can I just say that I hate PMS? Maybe thats why I have been feeling so down this week. Maybe I shouldn't even be writing this post while I am going through this hormonal week. I hate all the normal symtoms of moodiness, headaches, and things of that nature. But I also have PCOS (polycistic ovarian syndrome) which causes all kinds of bad stuff especially cramps. These cramps are the worst and often times puts me right down in a fetal position. I get so frustrated with doctors who just want to treat my sympoms with birth control pills when all I want is to have all my female stuff removed! They have served me no purpose except to cause me much grief each month. Both of my kids are adopted because I have never been able to conceive. So tell me what good is all that miserable equipment inside of me? Just to make me miserable I guess! Enough said on that subject. (You're probably breathing a sigh of relief!)
So the past few weeks I have spent many hours every day searching and applying for jobs. The job market here is very competitive with many many applicants. In fact there is a new hotel in town who was hiring for several positions which they listed in the paper and mentioned you could either apply on line or attend the job fair they would be having at end of this month. I put my application in for a couple positions and then I read in the paper the following week that "due to the overwhelming response all job openings are closed and the job fair is cancelled." It also said do not contact them, that if they are interested in interviewing you they would do the contacting. That's how most job openings are like. You really have to be on top of the game and stand out in order to get any kind of call back. This has been very frustrating to me. There are a couple jobs that have opened this week for which I have applied for and I am very excited about. I am hoping I will at least get an interview.
One of the greatest blessings in my life and also one of the most worrisome is my kids. I love them so much, but I am so worried about them. They are currently living with their dad while they are attending high school. This was their wish even though I had many reservations about it. But I was moving out of the state and did not want to disrupt their schooling, friends, or their happiness in the community where they live. And because it was their wish I really didn't have any legal say in it. All I asked for was that they continue to attend church, and maintain good school grades. Needless to say, their grades have slipped to an all time low and they do not go to church, and my son has gotten into a bit of trouble with friends. In confronting the Ex husband about their grades I ask that as long as their grades are lower than a C average that all extra-curricular activities be stopped, that skateboards and phones be taken away. He just says that he tries to motivate but won't be the bad guy. So my kids can basically do whatever they want, get into whatever trouble they get in, and their dad won't be a parent that may have to put his foot down. Instead he is more worried about being "liked". I don't mean to do any EX bashing but this is so frustrating to me. It is causing me great stress and anxiety and I feel helpless. I just don't know what to do!
I just realized I don't even have a 2010 Calendar yet. And so far I am late on birthdays for this month. I have felt so disorganized and discombobulated lately that I really do need to get myself together.
I really think that I have lost myself. After spending 15 years of being a mom to my kids and being actively involved in their activities, and then suddenly having to move so far away, and not having them part of my every day life; I truly feel lost. It's like I have lost my identity or something. Having to leave my job, my home, my family and moving so far away has been difficult to get used to. Making new friends and finding a place where I fit in has been hard. Don't get me wrong, I like living here, I have enjoyed meeting new people, I love my husband's job, and the time we get to spend together and having the opportunity to explore all the sites around here. It's just been hard to decide which direction to go and what to do with myself in this new life. I know it will just take some time. It's still gets me down though.
Which brings me to this...
I think the doldrums of winter has set in. I am experiencing S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder). I need the sun! I need to get my lazy butt outdoors and walk but its been so cold that I don't want to most days. I have gained a lot of the weight I lost 2 years ago back and that adds to my frustration and depression. I know what I need to do, but just getting started back up is so hard. Why is that? I guess it's lack of motivation! I definately need to find my motivation and soon! The warmer, sunnier weather that brings the first hint of spring can't come soon enough.
The Other.....and on a more positive note....
I made the best sandwiches the other day. I got the idea from my friend, Rae's blog, who got the recipe from The Pioneer Woman. It is called the Marlboro Mans Favorite Sandwich and you can go here to get the recipe. I added green pepper and mushrooms to mine and broiled some swiss cheese on it before serving. And boy it was so yummy! My mouth is watering right now for more! You have got to try it, the men in your family will love you!
We are trying to fit in a few trips this year. We would like to go to Arizona and see our beautiful grandkids and we would like to go to Texas to visit my in-laws and my sister. We also want to go to Utah for the Highland Games in June and I also have my 25 Year Class Reunion in August. Did I just say 25 years? OMG! I'm getting old! I don't know how or if we will be able to fit it all in, but it gives me something to plan on and look forward to.
Here is a thought that keeps coming to mind as I have been writing this post.
I really need to be more grateful for all the blessings in my life. Because I am very blessed. I have a wonderful husband who loves and adores me; I have wonderfully, smart, talented and beautiful children and stepchildren; I have 4 precious grandchildren; I have a loving and supportive extended family; I have a nice home to live in; and my husband's job provides for all the things we need; and above all I have my faith and testimony that God lives, that Jesus Christ is my savior who died for me so that I will someday be able to live with him once more. With these blessings I have everything. What more do I need?
I think this also means I need to stop being so hard on myself. I need to be grateful for who I am, what I do accomplish, and just be happy and enjoy life. I think this is how I begin to get rid of that soul clutter.